Out of Order

This is totally how I have felt for the past week.  The trip to New Hampshire has totally set me back.  Thank my lucky stars that my husband is home on vacation (not really a vacation, an unpaid furlough per the contract for his job).  I have been in my room (cave) for most of the week.  Only coming out at night, when my son is getting ready for bed and the quiet will begin.  That sounds awful.  I love my son to pieces but this week the noise and activity level was beyond my coping skills.  He did come into my cave and visit and promptly head-butted me twice.  Accidentally of course.  I was trying to make some effort to play with him on my bed and it resulted in the head-butts and a "Sorry Mommy".  Which kills me when I hear it.  Most mommies could probably take a head-butt or two with no worries.  Me?  Freaks me out when anything comes even close to my head.  PTSD?  Maybe.  I'll ask my doctor.

I also figured I might need some kinda plan to follow about what to write on this blog.  I wanted to get the word out on Post Concussion Syndrome and it's symptoms.   But I also want to relate to other mommies who are having the same issue as me and maybe other medical issues that prevent them from being an active parent.  I'm not meaning bad parent or absent parent, just a parent not being able to do what they really want to do because of their issues.  I will start working on topics.  Willing to take suggestions.

The main issue I have is feeling guilty.  Guilty that my son feels the need to tell everyone "my mommy has a concussion".   This is humiliating for me, that he feels the need to "defend" me, or make excuses for me.   I mean I look normal, I think.  I squint a lot and I walk kinda funny (like I am walking on top of gelatin).  I try to be as active as I can with him.  I pick him up from school, I help him with his homework (it is 1st grade stuff, if he was older we would need a tutor).  I have sent things back to school incorrect, especially the math.  How embarrassing, 1st grade math and it looked correct to me, but I have a brain injury.  His teacher knows this cause he told her! 

He is also doing great in school, academically.  When we got report cards in December he was doing Outstanding (the don't do A,B,C anymore, O for Outstanding).  His behavior side was good, but needed improvement.  Then he got in trouble about a week ago.  His teacher, in front of his whole class, called him a baby.  Yes we had an issue with that and when my husband went to talk to her she was ready to jump down his throat.  He has been an issue since coming back from the Holiday Break.  Getting out of his seat, interrupting her, and clingy with her.  So we are working on this.  The reward calendar has started.  So far so OK.  Not good, but OK.  We also told the teacher that she needs to communicate better with us and not let it get to the point where she is so frustrated.  He was so embarrassed he didn't want to go back to school.  This coming from the kid who told us we are not allowed to move until he is out of 8th grade because he loves his school that much.

I have noticed a difference in him.  I can't put my finger on exactly what it is.  He is more out of control, louder, more active and more "in your face".  Really not sure if he needs to get back in the swing of things or if it is something else.  Also some normally scheduled activities had to be cancelled and maybe that threw him off.  He is on the school swim team and they have cancelled practice since coming back from the Holidays because there was no heat in the pool.  He goes twice a week and loves it.  It really gets the energy out.  My husband and I are working on additional ways to get the energy out.  My husband was going to take him hiking with cousins this weekend at a State Park, but now we are expecting snow.  It has now turned into a regular play date.

To sum up today's post:  I am totally out of order from the NH trip and feeling guilty for not being able to be the parent I want to be.  I think my kid is pretty awesome.  He's smart, loving, outgoing, friendly, and super cute.  I just want to take part in the awesomeness.